Coping with Grief
Though difficult to handle, grief and loss is a natural part of life. When people lose what they value, they feel loss. When people move, they feel loss until they make new friends and establish new routines. A person who suffers loss of health feels grief, one of the most painful human emotions. When the diagnosis of a chronic or a progressive condition is made, people receiving the diagnosis, as well as relatives, grieve. The diagnosed person grieves for the loss of skills, decreasing control over body functions and not knowing what the future will bring. The family grieves about the diagnosis and for loss of the person they knew so well. As the illness progresses and the person changes in ability and function, the person and family feel the loss of shared experiences. In order to cope more effectively with grief, it can be helpful to know Elisabeth Kübler-Ross ’s five stages of grief.
Denial Stage:
The first stage of grieving is the denial stage. The person does not believe the news and essentially becomes "numb." The person may lose the sense of what is normal and feels empty.
Tips to help:
- Talk to someone about the news and your feelings. The person with the diagnosis and the family should share their feelings with each other if possible and with other family members. It may be helpful to use expert listeners, such as trained clergy, mental health counselors, social workers, and nurses. Support groups are wonderful.
- It helps to be with loved ones for they can provide support.
- List the daily schedule, new appointments, and notes of callers. One's memory and thinking may not be as clear due to the stress of grieving.
Anger Stage:
In the anger stage, the person wants to show their anger and questions why things are happening to them and not to others.
Tips to help:
- Physical exertion is a good way to deal with anger or frustration about the situation. Swimming laps, playing golf, taking walks, scrubbing the floor, waxing the car or furniture, trimming bushes, or making bread can help vent intense feelings.
- Sometimes getting out alone and looking at peaceful scenes such as a flower garden, going to a museum to view rich colors, or having a quiet time at a local church, chapel, or synagogue can bring relief.
- Writing down feelings on paper can help. Sometimes it helps to keep a diary in order to review past experiences and gain some perspective. Sometimes it helps to wad up the paper filled with words and toss them vigorously into the trash, sort of a symbol of "throwing away the anger."
- Expressing feelings through painting or music helps.
Bargaining Stage:
At this stage, individuals want to make a deal or to return things the way they were. The person may feel guilty and question what they did wrong to deserve having a loved one with a progressive disorder.
Tips to help:
- The person should realize what is lost but remember what remains each day. It helps to focus on the remaining abilities and skills of the person with dementia to enjoy their company and to do things together.
- Accept that guilt is a normal part of the process and talk to others about your feelings.
- Look for help in the community and find support or other volunteer groups.
Depression and Sadness Stage:
In this stage, the individual feels lonely and may have difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite or difficulty concentrating in the daily activities.
Tips to help:
- A person who feels isolated or lonely should seek the company of a pet, a friend, or a support group.
- It helps to do something that is new, different, and fun, such as going to a movie or buying a special treat for you.
- This is a time to be with people at a sports event, a free lecture at the public library, or a reception at a community center. Being around happy, healthy people can be healing.
- If you feel depressed for a prolonged period of time consult you doctor
Acceptance Stage:
The last stage is the process of acceptance. In this stage, the person becomes more objective and the intense feelings of grief are softened. The person may feel tired of grieving and feel ready for something new or different. There may be occasional moments of anger or sadness, but these times are fewer.
Tips to help:
- Try to remember what used to be fun and who used to be fun. Renew former activities and friendships.
- Balance activities of daily living to take care of self and your loved one.
- Maintain the support from friends and groups.
- Volunteer. Help others as a way to help yourself.
Material adapted from “Helping People With Progressive Memory Disorders: A Guide For You And Your Family” ( University of Florida Health Science Center). Used with permission from the authors: K. M. Heilman, MD, L. Doty, PhD, J. T. Stewart, MD, D Bowers, PhD, L. Gonzalez-Rothi, PhD.
top
